A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.