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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Who chose this font
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.