Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
stop
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Scream sneezers need love too.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
All set.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call