At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?