BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.