ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
😅😅😅
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*