“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.