Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.