not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick