2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”