The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.