waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
FINE, I WON’T.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush