I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.