Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.