Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
O Wise One….
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
WHO DID THIS?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.