You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.