Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.