a god among men
You Might Also Like
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.