What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Finally
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
wish me luck lads
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok