Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.