I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
You Might Also Like
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Stop sending me this shit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie