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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.