Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”