The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Namaste
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.