I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.