Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“no gods no masters” = leo
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.