Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
But wait…
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool