Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
sliding into dms like
We’ve all been there
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)