hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
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Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Growing up was a huge mistake
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.