I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts