Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.