[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
58.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.