I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital