I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Body by sandwich.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
#gardening
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)