Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…