I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.