Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The Joker was right
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again