Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Some people were born into their job.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero