Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You Might Also Like
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Jesus Christ lmao
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?