[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
#titanic
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
where the womens at?