People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out