Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.