For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
fun fact: nike is short for nichael