[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.