Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead