Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.