Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”