my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
New menu item
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor