ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
San Francisco has too many rules
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded