Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence